Mel's Wanderings

In 2017, I started a journey of discovering, experiencing and exploring mental health issues... And I think it's fair to say that I have been on a long journey. I have had to really learn to "trust the process". This is a concept I have recently been told about, during therapy, but there is no doubt that it is an important one. It's one that has been life changing for me. Just those three words have helped me to slow down, think more clearly and understand the truth of what it means to be ok with who I am and what I am going through. Just the idea of slowing down isn't in my nature, at all. I am someone who is almost always on the go and busy doing something. I feel that this year has been that of a challenge, BUT a good challenge. The two things I struggled with were:-  - Being kind to myself  - Being ok with putting ME first. For 6 years, I was a mother figure to my younger siblings and I think, in short.. I basically tired myself out think...

This post has its roots in 2012. Aged 16, I was told "there's no way you'll get close to one A Level with those GCSE grades" and when I said, "I think you're wrong", they laughed in my face. That very moment is one I will remember forever. Its also a moment I never wish upon anybody. People who say that to teenagers, in my opinion, are not made to be headteachers. But hey, that's just one woman's opinion in this mad mad world.  I write this today, though, to say "Thanks, mate for not believing in me." Because I didn't need you and your approval and even if I will remember that comment forever, I chose NOT to let it effect me negatively.  Unfortunately, at that specific time, it did. It did effect my young, naive, teenage belief system. This led me to drop out of school and believe that I was academically incapable to achieve anything further. It's no secret that A-Levels are hard. But my main emotional struggles were harder and ...

There are few of them in this world (or at least that was what I was brought up to believe) and I think this initially put me off getting married; but that's a discussion for another day! But I want to write to say.. My Matt, He's a keeper. The title, M en Like Mine simply means... those who are from a wonderful, loving home and had lots of love growing up but take on and fall in love with the broken, anxious and recently fixed girls who struggle. daily. Those who are strong and independent and can't show emotions properly, but really need someone who just loves. forgives. accepts. stays. Someone to just  be there. Those who take time to deal with a dysfunctional family, to live with, deal with and love you anyway. To comfort you when you've been so so hurt by a family member... that you think your life is over. What's the point in living when you constantly feel rejected by people who are meant to love you most? That was once my attitude....

Recently, I have started running again. This has been a big achievement for me and I feel quite proud, and I know that sounds weird but I believe that little achievements are worth celebrating. I had been meaning to get back to running for a while. I used to absolutely love it and in 2017, I did two half marathons! My new routine of running 3 times a week was brought on by some inspiration from a friend who mentioned the Couch to 5K app and how it's helped her overcome her fears of running. For me, sometimes even having that conversation about something I've been meaning to do, really spurs me on to do it & this was definitely the case with me. For a long time now, I have wanted to get back to it and feel good about myself again. I know that running has so many awesome benefits but getting the initial motivation to kick start has proven very difficult. But, as soon as I overcame the first hurdle, that very first run... I began to have a new mindset, a new perspective....

Time. Time can be beautiful, painful and worthless at times. But, most of all and more than anything; time is THE greatest and most powerful healer, in my opinion. In 2017, I lost someone very close to my heart. This was a horrific time in my life. Potentially the worst sort of pain I have felt since 2011. And the worst part? It was their choice to leave my life. Even as I write this post, I can feel my body getting tense and the fears flooding back to my head. I think it may take some time to write. I am going to leave the person anonymous because I feel this is right to do and as I say, they were truly close to my heart. The reason I mention TIME being a huge factor here, is because it has taken me nearly three years to come to terms with it fully. If you know me, you'll know that I need reasons for everything and justifications for people's actions. You'll also know.. I am determined and will not stop until I get what I want. A great, but sometimes annoying trait I ...