Time to Move On

Time. Time can be beautiful, painful and worthless at times. But, most of all and more than anything; time is THE greatest and most powerful healer, in my opinion.

In 2017, I lost someone very close to my heart. This was a horrific time in my life. Potentially the worst sort of pain I have felt since 2011. And the worst part? It was their choice to leave my life. Even as I write this post, I can feel my body getting tense and the fears flooding back to my head. I think it may take some time to write. I am going to leave the person anonymous because I feel this is right to do and as I say, they were truly close to my heart. The reason I mention TIME being a huge factor here, is because it has taken me nearly three years to come to terms with it fully. If you know me, you'll know that I need reasons for everything and justifications for people's actions. You'll also know.. I am determined and will not stop until I get what I want. A great, but sometimes annoying trait I can both use well on occasions and battle with on others. This was indeed a battle. It consumed my life.
Once their decision to cut me out of their life was made, I decided to go on a hunt, searching for unanswered questions. Searching for reasons why. Here's the biggest one for me; Why would someone so close decide to just drop me so quickly and voluntarily? This unnecessary search and inner guilt led me into a period of depression and severe anxiety. My answer to this inner hurt, was It must be my fault. I am to blame. I am a really bad person. This was the start of NEGATIVITY. Negativity can be unbelievably powerful and diminishing. Also, alongside these thoughts going on inside my head... I felt unloved, unwanted and rejected and it felt like there was literally nothing that could solve it.

So, having given you some context to the past few years.. I won't bore you with the details, but what I will do is share of the TRIUMPH of 2020! This year has been a year of triumph. A year, that I can call MY year! I have overcome SO many barriers and finally feel happy. This is mainly due to the fact that I have made that huge step to work on myself. I have taken the time to be selfish and really look into who I am, why I am this way and what I like / dislike about myself. This has been hard hitting at times and I still don't fully understand what it is I want to achieve but here's one thing I know for certain... Self-awareness is key. Looking inside to your deepest darkest fears and anxieties is a MUST. Facing them head on is the best way to deal with it & I will never ever be thankful enough to the therapist who changed my whole thinking process. I will write about this in another post, but it really has been life-changing. This is my year. I am happier than I have ever been. Thanks to this beautiful, crazy, difficult journey of self-help... I am a better person. I am Mel and I am proud of who I am.