"I'll check my diary"

Two of my friends have said exactly that to me and then not got back to me (five weeks later).  When the reply "I'll check my diary", came through - I had my reservations and worries, but I didn't realise it was left so long. I didn't realise they didn't care all that much. This is something I now know. 

I have been torn to pieces about posting something so personal and hurtful but I now feel that I am ready to face the music & get this on paper.

Since I was 15, I have had huge fear and anxiety around rejection. Having lost both parents at such a young age and feeling very lost - I guess you could say, this was an expected outcome. However, this (what started out as an emotion) has translated into my adulthood. 10 years on.. I still very much feel the inner pain of it. 

Every time Matt says no to something I ask, my friends do something that I don't like / didn't expect or someone close hurts me... I feel undervalued and rejected. I used to put my barriers up, but that has eased over time. This is an underlying issue I have, that I fully understand and recognise. Getting rid of it on the other hand, is easier said than done.

Lately, as everyone is.. I'm sure I have felt very isolated and needed people around me, to get my energy back up! But, I feel that some people have failed me on this. With Covid 19 restrictions being lifted, I was hoping this meant seeing friends more. How wrong was I. This feeling of uneasiness and rejection is something I am tackling every day and trying my best to overcome. But, friends who hurt you in the midst of that make it harder.

I may be losing friends at the moment and going through a very weird stage, but I am also quite glad to see this side and be 'ghosted' now, than later on in my life when it could matter more.

A bit of advice for you guys:-

- Choose your friends well

- Don't open up to everyone you meet

- Remember, it's ok to deal with things on your own - it's all part of personal growth.

- You are never ever alone.