Mel's Wanderings

Here is something to talk about, right?!! Even as I write this... My heart is thumping in my chest.  I am sorry if this is a trigger. I am sorry I set off emotions but please note, my intention is always love and help, not to create hate and fear. Throughout my whole life I have lived in fear and judgement of others. I will always claim ONLY to be what I am "Melissa from the Colcot" & nothing more. I am who I am and my background speaks for itself. But that life, my past, came with it's insecurities.  Here's the thing....... Fears are real. Life is real. Heart palpitations effect us all. I 1000000% (and more 00000000000's) HATE it I hate anxiety. I hate that urge that makes me want to speak out, but also holds me back. It stops me from being my best self. It gives me irrational thoughts that are so believable at the time. They're too hard to overcome in the moment. They're the greatest set back to achieve your best. Fears hold us back from saying o...

Here are a few lessons I've learnt during Lockdown #1  How to use Zoom ☑️ How to enjoy my hubby's company more 😘 How to create a work space at home 🏡 How to get into a running routine 🏃‍♀️ How to build a shed with a firm foundation 🔲 How to spend too much money! 💰 What have you learnt?

Two of my friends have said exactly that to me and then not got back to me (five weeks later).  When the reply "I'll check my diary", came through - I had my reservations and worries, but I didn't realise it was left so long. I didn't realise they didn't care all that much. This is something I now know.  I have been torn to pieces about posting something so personal and hurtful but I now feel that I am ready to face the music & get this on paper. Since I was 15, I have had huge fear and anxiety around rejection. Having lost both parents at such a young age and feeling very lost - I guess you could say, this was an expected outcome. However, this (what started out as an emotion) has translated into my adulthood. 10 years on.. I still very much feel the inner pain of it.  Every time Matt says no to something I ask, my friends do something that I don't like / didn't expect or someone close hurts me... I feel undervalued and rejected. I use...

I have been in a very reflective mood lately, to the point where its keeping me awake at night. I think it's because of this global pandemic and the fact that it's created a lot of time and space, which inevitably makes us think more.. or at least it has done for me. Having time to slow down and really come to terms with life and this fantastic world we live in.. has been playing on my mind a lot lately.  During this reflection, it suddenly occurred to me that the moment it all began was this time 10 years ago. There were two things that crossed my mind in that moment.. 1. Mel, you're soooo old now!! 2. Wow, this is actually surreal. Hmm. Maybe three things, haha! 3. I felt proud. I was so so proud of what I have achieved in that time. A degree, a six year relationship, our 2 and a half year marriage, buying a house... Just to name a few!! Wow. Wow. Wow. I love my life and all that I have achieved. The inner growth, maturity and strength I have learnt. The lesso...

In 2017, I started a journey of discovering, experiencing and exploring mental health issues... And I think it's fair to say that I have been on a long journey. I have had to really learn to "trust the process". This is a concept I have recently been told about, during therapy, but there is no doubt that it is an important one. It's one that has been life changing for me. Just those three words have helped me to slow down, think more clearly and understand the truth of what it means to be ok with who I am and what I am going through. Just the idea of slowing down isn't in my nature, at all. I am someone who is almost always on the go and busy doing something. I feel that this year has been that of a challenge, BUT a good challenge. The two things I struggled with were:-  - Being kind to myself  - Being ok with putting ME first. For 6 years, I was a mother figure to my younger siblings and I think, in short.. I basically tired myself out think...

This post has its roots in 2012. Aged 16, I was told "there's no way you'll get close to one A Level with those GCSE grades" and when I said, "I think you're wrong", they laughed in my face. That very moment is one I will remember forever. Its also a moment I never wish upon anybody. People who say that to teenagers, in my opinion, are not made to be headteachers. But hey, that's just one woman's opinion in this mad mad world.  I write this today, though, to say "Thanks, mate for not believing in me." Because I didn't need you and your approval and even if I will remember that comment forever, I chose NOT to let it effect me negatively.  Unfortunately, at that specific time, it did. It did effect my young, naive, teenage belief system. This led me to drop out of school and believe that I was academically incapable to achieve anything further. It's no secret that A-Levels are hard. But my main emotional struggles were harder and ...